Hi. I’m Elizabeth. Well, my name’s Elizabeth, but I haven’t
been feeling much like the Elizabeth I used to be lately. There are a variety
of reasons, all of them sundry and probably clichéd.
First of all, it should be noted that I decided to create
this blog about a month ago, and in classic Elizabeth fashion, have
procrastinated about actually posting to it ever since. (At least I still have
that one very Elizabeth-esque part of me!) However, having this first post hang
over my head this whole time has brought me down. The point of this blog is to hold
me accountable for becoming the person I want to be and know I can be, but
since I want to address the things about myself that I dislike most in this
first post, I’ve found myself ruminating on those things—DUH. Real smart,
Elizabeth. Good way to boost that confidence.
Most importantly, though, I have somehow lost the things
that made me Elizabeth—that made me unique, the things that I liked most about
myself.
I have stopped writing—even in my journal. I define myself
as a writer and always have. Stories have continuously swirled around in my
head since I was in elementary school, and writing them down was just
compulsory for a very long time. When I began college, it became much harder to
fit in time to write creatively between homework assignments. I decided to
become a creative writing minor as a way of keeping myself responsible for
creating new stories. And I thought that not having homework anymore after
graduating would mean I would become a writing fiend again. Well, that’s just
not been true. I’m not sure if it’s because I write for my job and can’t get
inspired after work, or if it’s because I’ve lost my passion for it. But I am
determined to remain a writer for the rest of my life. And I’m hoping this blog
will help me become one again.
I’ve also become really, really lazy. The Elizabeth I once
was enjoyed being active, dancing all the time—or at least walking almost
everywhere I needed to be when I could. I did get my driver’s license this
year, and I know I abuse my new car-driving abilities too much. I want to be
active again. More importantly, I want to WANT to exercise. That’s never really
been my strong point, but the Elizabeth I want to be enjoys feeling healthy and
active and awesome.
Most importantly, I’ve lost the passion, the confidence and
the sass that made me such an awesome Elizabeth before. Back in the day, I
thought I was the bomb diggity—no diggity, no doubt, y’all. Up until seventh
grade, my swagger was pretty endless. If I had a crush on a boy, I would tell
him so, and he’d always like me back, of course. Because, well, why wouldn’t
he? I thought I was kinda cute, with a rockin’ bod, and that I had the most
winning personality of all time.
Then middle school came around. Ugh. The Elizabeth I once
was faltered when I asked a boy out and was rejected for the first time.
Preface: I was super in love with this boy. And this was the first time a boy
had ever rejected me. But for some reason, instead of saying, “He doesn’t like
me?! Pssh—his loss,” my thought process instead was, “Well, if he doesn’t like
me, it must be because something’s wrong with me.” And then I realized that I
was pudgy and had acne and it made me feel very worthless. I’ve never regained
the confidence I had before. The confidence I had in myself without needing to
be reinforced by anyone but myself.
I want to be the Elizabeth I was in fifth grade again. And I
know that I CAN be that Elizabeth if I can only find a way keep myself
accountable. There’s where this blog enters the picture! I am going to try to
write on it at least once a week, and hopefully more like every other day, as a
way of thinking about what I can do to like myself more as a human being.
Because it’s pretty depressing to go through life without liking yourself. And
I’m tired of it.
I’ve also decided recently that August will be a 31-day
challenge for me. I’m going to exercise for 30 minutes and write for 30 minutes
every day this month. Notice I didn’t say I was going to TRY—oh no. I am GOING
to do this. I am GOING to succeed. And I hope that, by completing this
challenge, I will make writing and being active part of my everyday life again.
Which will be a giant step towards becoming Elizabeth again.
Let the 31-day challenge commence! And let the process of
ripping the layers of self-loathing and doubt off to become the New Elizabeth
finally begin!
